


i'm not a broken thing or one or the other

by Nightblaze



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Background Leadotin, F/F, Gen, Gender Identity, Nonbinary Dot Campbell, Other, Questioning Shelby Goodkind, but they did validate my headcanons so hell yeah!, shoni features in ch2 not much in ch1, this one goes out to my friend jay who has never seen the wilds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28438608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightblaze/pseuds/Nightblaze
Summary: [09:01] Shelby: How did you know??? About being nonbinary I mean.She sends the message before she can convince herself not to and watches as Dot types for a deceptively long moment, the text bubble disappearing and reappearing several times. She tries not to stress about it, but maybe she’s overstepping some kind of boundary, or they’ve got her figured out somehow, or—[09:02] Dot: it’s kind of complicated[09:02] Dot: do u want to talk over coffee?
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind & Dot Campbell, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 22
Kudos: 125





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> none of your faves are cis
> 
> also the title is from Sweet Cis Teen by Dazey and the Scouts. one of my all time favorite songs. give it a listen!!

_ [08:44] Dot: hey everyone sorry to kill the vibe but i just wanted to let you know i’m nonbinary, i use they/them pronouns. ok go back to ur regularly scheduled bullshit. _

Shelby reads the message once, and then nine more times. Notifications roll in—party popper and sparkling heart emojis from Fatin, a series of exclamation points from Leah—but she’s fixated on Dot’s message.

It feels too simple.

Shelby has come a long way from her internalized homophobia since the island. She meets with a Christian LGBT group every other Tuesday and listens to the stories and experiences of all the members. It took her awhile to talk about herself, but once she did, she felt a weight lifting off her shoulders. The point is, several members of the group are trans, and she’s certainly more educated than she was a few short months ago, so she’s not quite sure why Dot coming out is making her so confused.

Confused isn’t the right word, but Shelby has no idea what is.

She likes the message to show her support, filing the new pronouns away in her mind, and closes the groupchat. She stares at her home screen. It’s a selfie of her and Toni, taken on the same chair Shelby’s sitting in right now. Their faces are partially obscured by app icons, but she can see the bright grins on their faces.

Shelby opens Google, searches  _ nonbinary,  _ and glances around the room like somebody’s going to burst in any moment to tell her off. Toni’s out working, though, and the apartment is quiet as ever without her.

The search results lack empathy. Shelby skims through several articles before giving up and opening the messenger app again. She scrolls down, still ignoring the notifications from the groupchat, until she finds Dot.

_ [09:01] Shelby: How did you know??? About being nonbinary I mean. _

She sends the message before she can convince herself not to and watches as Dot types for a deceptively long moment, the text bubble disappearing and reappearing several times. She tries not to stress about it, but maybe she’s overstepping some kind of boundary, or they’ve got her figured out somehow, or—

_ [09:02] Dot: it’s kind of complicated _

_ [09:02] Dot: do u want to talk over coffee? _

* * *

The coffee shop is a quaint little place, maybe a ten minute walk from Shelby’s apartment, and a little bit longer for Dot, so Shelby gets there first and orders for both of them. Ever since Nora and Rachel finally moved to LA with the rest of them, it’s become the survivors’ go-to for coffee. Shelby knows all of their coffee orders by heart by now.

The barista calls the drinks twice before Shelby snaps out of her thoughts and grabs them with a quick “thanks.” She’s just sitting down at a table for two by the windows when Dot arrives.

“Hey!” Shelby greets with a wide smile, hoping that it will calm the pit in her stomach. “How are you?”

Dot sits down across from her. “Better now that I have coffee,” they say and take a sip. Shelby winces; they’ve always had a tolerance to both hot and cold drinks, but she can’t relate. She’s not touching her drink for the next five minutes at least. “You?”

“Oh. Fine,” Shelby says and fiddles with the sleeves of her shirt.

Dot raises their eyebrows. “So I don’t want to freak you out and make you run away or some shit, but is there a specific reason that you want to know about being nonbinary?” They take another sip before continuing hastily, “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. It’s just, you know, it’s a different conversation if so.”

“No, it’s okay,” Shelby glances out the window to avoid Dot’s gaze. “I don’t really know? I mean, I don’t know if I have the words.”

Dot gives her a sympathetic look. “You want me to just start talking?” Shelby nods and they take a deep breath. “For me there wasn’t ever a big a-ha moment. I wore clothes that I liked and what I liked was my dad’s hand-me-downs. I tried makeup once and I decided I wouldn’t ever again. When I didn’t like how I looked in the mirror I dyed my hair because that was the easiest way to change my body.” They tap their fingers on the table, taking a moment to collect their thoughts. “It didn’t occur to me until later there might be a  _ why  _ to it all.

“So for a couple months—this was before the island—I thought I was a trans guy. You know, when my dad said he got me a women’s retreat in Hawaii, I didn’t want to go because that meant leaving him. But it was also because I just wasn’t a woman.

“Anyway, I went, and we know how that turned out. On the island I kept sitting there and thinking, why the hell does my gender matter, anyway? And I was never part of any friend group back in Texas, but I still felt that societal pressure to be one or the other. All that was just… gone, on the island. The only thing that really mattered was surviving. So there it was. No more gender for me.” Dot gestures to themself. “And here I am now.”

“Just like that?” Shelby asks when she realizes Dot’s done talking. “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound rude, but is it really that simple?”

They shrug. “For me, it was. But I also didn’t spend my whole life as a pageant princess with a homophobic and transphobic family.”

Shelby purses her lips, trying desperately to sort through her thoughts and find what she wants to say. She tries her coffee, but it’s still too hot. “I cut my hair on the island,” she decides to start with, “because I always had to have it long for the pageants, and because Andrew liked it long.” She takes a shuddering breath because she’s just not sure she’s strong enough to admit all of this out loud. Dot nods thoughtfully, like that’s natural and Shelby tries to believe that it is. “I was so sick of having to be that person. When they shaved my head the rest of the way, it was gross and invasive, but it also felt like… a clean state?” she explains slowly, and reaches up to touch the still-short hair.

“That makes sense,” Dot says.

“Does it?”

They sigh. “I don’t want you to take my words as, like, trans law or anything. But yeah, it does. Your hair was a way you performed femininity, and when the people who were compelling you to do that were gone, suddenly the need to have that femininity was gone, too. It’s the same thing that happened to me. No society to enforce gender, no desire to keep performing it.”

Shelby is quiet for a little while, digesting all that. It  _ does  _ make sense and that’s scarier than anything. “Toni liked my hair, too. After I cut it, before it was shaved off,” she says eventually.

“Are you going to grow it back out for her?” Dot asks and Shelby can’t help but feel defensive. It’s a genuine question, yes, but it’s not  _ just  _ about her hair.

“She’s the love of my life, Dot, I can’t—” Shelby cuts herself off before she says something she regrets. “Sorry. But she’s a lesbian and if I’m not a girl… I can’t lose her.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Dot laughs and Shelby glares at her. “I’m not trying to belittle you, I’m sorry, but really. Toni’s head over fucking heels for you, she wouldn’t leave you if you were nonbinary. And the whole thing that comes with being nonbinary is, you know, breaking out of binary gender. It’s different for everyone, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with a lesbian being attracted to a nonbinary person.”

Shelby sips her coffee. It’s finally cool enough and lets her mull over Dot’s words.

It’s like a puzzle with just the edges finished, with all the other pieces spilled in the center in a heap. The foundation is there, all the pieces are there, but it’s still a jumbled mess. It’s overwhelming and she has no idea where to go from here.

“Lord,” she whispers and puts her coffee down as it all starts to hit her. She can feel tears stinging her eyes, and hides her face in her hands.

“Shit, Shelby, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s not your fault,” Shelby’s quick to interject and she hopes the strain in her voice isn’t too noticeable. “It’s just that all my life there’s been this—this  _ ugliness  _ inside me, and I didn’t know what it was. I thought it would go away once I accepted that I liked girls but—”

“Shelby, look at me,” Dot says, forcefully but not unkindly. She takes a deep breath and lifts her eyes up to theirs. They take her hands and speak with a kind of absolute certainty she’s not sure she’s heard from them before. “This is  _ not  _ ugliness. This is you figuring yourself out after years and years of repression. That could never be ugliness. That’s—that’s one of the most beautiful things in the whole fucking world, okay? That’s beautiful.”

She can’t help it. She starts to cry.

Dot stands up and hugs her, and they’re absolutely making a scene, but in the moment Shelby doesn’t care.

“Let’s talk about something a little less deep,” Shelby croaks out after a little while.

“Sounds like a fantastic plan,” Dot agrees with a light laugh and returns to their seat.

They spend the better part of an hour chatting about anything and everything before Dot has to leave.

“Text me if you need anything, okay?” they tell her.

“I will,” she promises.

Shelby leaves the coffee shop feeling lighter than she ever has before.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [19:23] Dot: trust me shelby, you’ll be okay  
> [19:24] Dot: and if it’s not i can be there in 20  
> [19:24] Dot: but i won’t need to be, cause it’s gonna be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was struck with a sudden wave of inspiration and blacked out for an hour and a half and this was written. enjoy!

Shelby paces back and forth. Toni should be getting home from work any minute now and their nerves are starting to get to them.

Their phone buzzes in their hand. It’s a message from Dot. Ever since their talk in the coffee shop a couple weeks ago, they’ve kept chatting about gender identity. It’s been a strange experience for Shelby, to say the least, to have somebody to talk about it with. To have somebody who really  _ got  _ it to talk with.

When Shelby started experimenting with different pronouns, Dot had responded with an enthusiastic “Fuck yeah!” When they were stressed about different labels, Dot reminded them that they didn’t need to settle on something anytime soon, or ever, and it didn’t have to be permenant. There had even been a day when both of them had gone out shopping and Shelby had tried on whatever clothes they wanted, just to see if it was more comfortable.

_ [19:23] Dot: trust me shelby, you’ll be okay _

_ [19:24] Dot: and if it’s not i can be there in 20 _

_ [19:24] Dot: but i won’t need to be, cause it’s gonna be okay _

Shelby purses their lips and stops pacing for just long enough to send something back.

_ [19:24] Shelby: Thanks Dottie :) _

The nickname had come up in a call just the other day. Toni was out at the gym with Rachel and Shelby hadn’t wanted to type out everything they were feeling, so they’d FaceTimed for almost two hours.

“Is it still okay to call you that?” Shelby had asked. Dot had shrugged.

“I don’t mind. Not the biggest fan of Dorothy, but Dottie’s fine.”

“Oh, no, how bad did Fatin feel about that?”

Dot had laughed from across the line. “She apologized, like, five times in one hour when I first asked her to stop calling me that.  _ Leah  _ eventually had to tell her that she’d said sorry enough.”

Shelby grinned at that. Dot, Fatin and Leah had told the group they were all dating soon after Dot came out; it was almost surprising, but made sense thinking back about it. They’d always been a bit of a unit even back on the island. At first, Shelby had been a bit confused about how the whole triad dynamic would work, and then Dot reminded them that “societal rules are bullshit, Shelbs,” and well, yeah, fair enough.

“Have you thought about changing your name?” Dot had asked.

Shelby shook their head. “I don’t think I will. I like Shelby.”

“Cool.”

And how nice is it that it’s as simple as that?

It’s not like Shelby’s gotten over everything ingrained in their head yet. There’s still a nagging instinct to change when they decide to wear something not-so-feminine out, and they’re not sure if they want to keep growing their hair out because they kind of miss being able to style it different ways or because it’s what they always thought they had to look like. And right now, waiting for Toni to get home so they could come out to her, they couldn’t stop thinking about worst-case scenarios.

They can still back out, if they want to. But they know Toni loves them, and like Dot keeps telling them, this isn’t going to change that.

Shelby’s shocked out of their thoughts by the sound of keys in the door, and then Toni’s there. “Hey,” the short girl calls out, and then stops when she spots the nervous face Shelby knows they’re sporting. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

_ She’s head over fucking heels,  _ Shelby reminds themself, and takes a deep breath. “I need to talk to you. It’s nothing bad,” they rush to add.

“Okay,” Toni says slowly and sets her gym bag next to the door, in its usual spot. “And I don’t want to put whatever it is off but I kind of smell like shit.”

Shelby smiles despite themself. “Sorry, you can shower first. Really, it’s nothing bad, I just need to tell you something.”

“Don’t apologize,” Toni tells them. “I’ll hurry.”

Twenty minutes and five more supportive texts from Dot later, Toni sits herself down next to Shelby on the sofa. She smells like her patchouli body wash and Shelby lets themself find comfort in it. They can tell Toni’s nervous, too, in how she sits up instead of leaning into the cushions.

“So,” Shelby starts, and they’ve had this conversation at least twelve times in their head but now it’s really happening “Um. A few weeks ago, Dot and I met up and talked for a while.” They glance up from their lap, and Toni is watching them with soft eyes. “They told me about how they felt about gender, how they realized they were non-binary. I didn’t know what they were saying would resonate with me so much, but it did. And since then I’ve really been thinking about it. I’m not certain about a lot of it yet but I know I’m not cis. I’m not a girl.”

Toni reaches out and takes one of Shelby’s hands; they’d started picking at their skin without realizing it. “Okay,” she says gently, and just that little affirmation is enough for Shelby to continue.

“I’m still okay with the name Shelby,” they go on. “But I’ve been using they/them as my pronouns with Dot for a while and I think I’m sticking with that for now. I’ll tell you if that changes.”

Toni nods. “Uh, I know Leah and Fatin call Dot their partner instead of anything else. Do you want me to do that?”

Shelby feels like their heart might burst with emotion. “I don’t think I mind being called your girlfriend but that’d be nice to try.”

“Whatever you want,” Toni tells them and squeezes their hand. “I want you to be happy.”

“I am,” Shelby says. “I’m always happy when I’m with you.”

“Sap,” Toni laughs and leans over to kiss them. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Thanks for being here.” Shelby shifts and soon they’re resting their head on Toni’s collarbone, eyes closed as Toni runs her fingers through their hair.

“Hey. I love you,” Toni murmurs. “I just want you to know nothing’s ever going to change that.”

Shelby smiles and cuddles closer to her. “I love you too.”

Three days later, with Toni at their side, Shelby texts the survivors’ groupchat.

_ [13:26] Shelby: Hey y’all, I’m trying out they/them pronouns. _

_ [13:26] Shelby: I don’t know about much else yet, but there’s that! _

_ [13:26] Toni: <3 <3 <3 _

_ [13:27] Dot: FUCK YEAH!!! _

**Author's Note:**

> yes this was a long winded exploration of gender identity in an age of quarantining and social distance through the lens of a tv show. no i am not ashamed
> 
> hmu @gemin0 on tumblr if you want to send an ask or anything!


End file.
